A letter to my one year old daughter

Dear Erin,

I barely noticed you when you arrived I was so relieved for it to be over, you see it was all about me then but now it's all about you. All I had read were pregnancy and labour books so once we got you home it was a steep learning curve.

Not being especially maternal I didn’t fall for you until you were about 5 months old but now you've got me hook, line and sinker. When I think of you I instantly feel calm and happy, sometimes I miss you even when your just upstairs sleeping.

I think about life before you sometimes, how easy and carefree it was, weekends spent lolling around hungover in coffee shops and restaurants – that was my life for so long and I miss it at times.

I mustn't lie, I've found the changes in my life very hard, I've felt lonely and really struggled at times with how hard parenting is, especially in the first year. My mind would have flashes of getting on a train to anywhere, disappearing and booking myself into a central London Premier Inn for a couple of nights to sit in a dressing gown and watch TV while eating peanut m&ms in between sleeping. Instead, the one escape every day was to the shower for 10 minutes or so where I could briefly close the door behind me and only hear the soothing sound of the water. Everyone said ‘it does get easier’ and it did, or did I just get used to my new life.

Its been magical watching you grow and learn, seeing the wonder in your eyes as you explore the world.  You continue to astound and amaze me.  I can't imagine having another baby and loving them as much as I love you, I feel like I would burst.

I hope you think I am a good mum when you are older, I hope you can turn to me, confide in me, that we are close. That we are the kind of mum and daughter who talk everyday. I hope I’m wise enough to guide you, worldly enough to inspire you, I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you.

You are the sun rising, the world turning, the stars in my sky.

All my love forever and always, Mummy xxx

Read more...

• On my experience of Baby Brain
• Having another child
• Having a big baby 
• My top 5 parenting fails
• What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
• Managing my post baby holiday expectations.
• How I'm turning into my parents
• When I trained for a triathlon!
• My post pregnancy identity crisis

My post pregnancy identity crisis

Before I had Erin I used to shop and dress myself with relative ease, since having Erin I seem to have ended up buying a series of items that, having worn a couple of times, just don't feel right then disappear to the back of the wardrobe. I thought this was just a couple of unfortunate baby brain related purchases but after 20 months of this happening I’ve figured out a number of possible reasons...

1. Different body shape.

What I didn’t realise in the last few weeks of pregnancy and planning my baby weight lost/getting my body back action plan (while eating a tub of ice cream) was that it was more about my shape changing than the number on the scales. When Erin was about 6 months I felt something touching the top of my leg before realising it was my arse – 10 months of not cycling to work had taken its toll.

I've pretty much been straight up and down my whole life and had mastered how to dress that shape and knew what I liked and what looked good after 33 years practice, now things were different!

What I didn't factor into my baby weight loss plan was the fact that I would be caring for a new born baby at the time I had planned to loose said weight which meant I would need to energise myself with coffee, cake, chocolate and biscuits at regular intervals in order to get through the day.  Now 20 months on and a triathlon down I still would like to loose about half a stone, I know who doesn’t, with or without a baby.

Fuel

2. Old age.

For me the post baby clothing struggle has coincided with edging towards middle age. I feel older and at a different stage in my life now.  Where should I be shopping at 35?  Top Shop and Primark still? I think the high street presumes by 35 I should be able to afford to shop at Cos and Boden but I have less money now than I did when I was 25.

Part of the problem could be I'm still choosing the style of clothes I've always gone for but sometimes I feel I look like an older person trying to dress younger (cringe). Also because of my age I can't get away with certain looks any more, for example, instead of granny chic mid length skirts with brogues looking cool on me I just look like a granny.

3. Less money/less time

As well as less money, I have much less time to dedicate to shopping, less time to read fashion mags, less time going out seeing what others are wearing. Less time to even think about coordinating an outfit. With a baby the morning routine consisted of picking some jeans off the floor scrapping some kind of dried baby related substance off them, choosing from 2 tops that I could breast feed in, tying hair back before leaving the house. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in a toilet or baby change room later that day and think - holly crap I should of put some mascara on.

4. I need to feel good about my body again.

Since having Erin my self esteem took a bit of a nose dive, regularly thinking god I look fat/tired/old. I needed to start feeling good about my  body after the pummelling of pregnancy, labour and caring for a new born. Feeling tired and run down doesn't make you feel good and was reflected in myself esteem. Nothing is going to look good if I wasn't feeling good. I am clawing that back, getting my fitness back doing the triathlon really helped me feel good but I still struggle to dress myself at times!

Any volunteer personnel shoppers out there please get in touch!

Read more...

• On my experience of Baby Brain
• Having another child
• Having a big baby 
• My top 5 parenting fails
• What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
• Managing my post baby holiday expectations.
• How I'm turning into my parents
• When I trained for a triathlon!
• A letter I wrote to my daughter

Turning into our parents

This happens gradually and sometimes unknowingly, but for me the process was accelerated by having my daughter. I knew this was happening to me when:

• The high point of any day was going out for coffee and cake.
• I had to turn the radio off when I parked the car, there was heavy rain or it was busy on the motorway.
• I struggled to keep up with technology, for example, I had accidentally turned on the torch on my i phone and had it on for 2 hours before the doctor at my appointment later that morning told me how to turn it off.
• I forgot the name of the Foo Fighters and referred to them as David Grohl’s band. 
• I started buying pot plants.
• I enjoyed watching the Antiques Road Show.
• Occasionally, it may take me 5-10 minutes to remember how old I am.

My parents - out for coffee and cake

My top 5 parenting fails - the first year

1. Not discovering lanolin until day 6 of breast feeding
2. Brushing some toast crumbs out of the folds in Erin's neck (I hadn’t eaten toast for 3 days)
3. Removing a dirty nappy only to realise there are no clean ones left. Would you A.) put dirty one back on (it was a pooh) and head for the shop  B.) wrap baby in cotton wool, towel, cling film and head for the shop. I choose B.
4. Erin walking out of a friends kitchen eating a handful of cat food.
5. Not sending thank you cards for Erin’s first birthday gifts (I had no idea this was the done thing, I had obviously thanked everyone verbally)

What were yours?

Erin eatting soil at 7 months, more of a learning experience than a parenting fail

BC (before child) / AC (after child)

Things I used to day dream about BC:

• Jake Gyllenhal
• travelling the world
• new shoes
• various exciting career paths
• starting my own business 
• playing drums in a band
• winning the lottery

Things I now day dream about AC:

• getting a dishwasher (wouldn’t that be amazing!) 
• getting a cleaner (wouldn’t that be amazing!)
• having a nanny (wouldn’t that be amazing!) 
• waking up at 10am
• spa days
• having a personal shopper
• winning the lottery

How do your BC/AC day dreams differ?

6 times in 1 day! That is my washing up record since having Erin and being around the house much more - resulting in my dishwasher day dreams!

I just did a Triathlon! Yes a Triathlon!

Two days ago I did a triathlon – yes a triathlon! Instead of embarking on the usual health kick on returning from a cake fuelled, over indulgent week in The Lake District I signed up to take part in a triathlon – WHAT?! That was 7 weeks ago. OK, ok its not so bad, I’m a good ish swimmer and cycle to work 10km there and 10km back 3 times a week so I wasn't starting from scratch so to speak.  I however couldn’t run to the post box at the end of the road when I started. The run luckily was the last bit and only 2.5km, which my partner told me was easy and after doing some regular runs I  felt  more confident. What I was most scared of was the race factor, I hadn't  heard the words ‘’on your marks - get set – GO!’’  since school sports day.

On your marks!

Why oh why I hear you say. Well, first I needed motivation; without any holidays planned I needed a date in the future that would make me go out and run, swim, cycle regularly to get in shape. Secondly, if I was to have a second child next year it would be great to be as fit as I was the first time round so, fingers crossed, my pregnancy would be as easy. As I swim and cycle regularly I thought a triathlon would be the way to go. To add extra motivation to proceedings I set up a sponsorship page to raise some money for the MS society, which would make sure I didn't chicken out on the day, and after setting a target of £250 I raised £450!!

Get set!

Once signed up I realised there really was a lot more too worry about than just being fit enough. What if I get a flat tyre? How competitive is it – will I get cut up on my bike and elbowed out the way during the run? Will people be pulling at my ankles during the swim? (surely not) Which way do I go? What if I get lost! How do I get changed after the swim? Do I need one of those towels with elastic around the neck that you changed under as a kid on the beach? I’m going to need equipment -  a special flexible wetsuit, special googles, maybe a water bottle that clips to my bike. And a race belt – what is a race belt?

On receiving my race pack I realised there was a lot to remember on the day too – wrist tag, timing chip, transition zones, different entries and exits for each section. I have to have my number on my back for the ride and my front for the run – I hoped focusing on remembering everything would distract me from the pain. Stay on the left during the ride – be aware of people over taking on the right – sounds dangerous! Energy gels!? Wouldn't a snickers or some Kendal mint cake do! Do I really need to eat mid race? Wouldn't I get a stitch?

It’s been a steep learning curve and I’ve actually quite enjoyed training for it. Last week in a last minute panic I brought a tri-suit which is like a swimming costume with longer legs like cycle shorts attached. You wear this under your wetsuit and then when you take the wetsuit off you are ready to jump on the bike. The main draw for me was they are designed to be quick drying as I didn't like the idea of riding and then running around in soggy shorts and top (and bra and pants!) but it is quite light weight and a bit like donnings some trainers when in a swimming costume and going for a run in it – a bit naked and indecent! I wasn’t sure I wanted to subject anyone to that vision but once I got there most people were in them so I braved it! Training for the triathlon wasn’t really the weight loss plan I was hoping for as I was eating like a horse to get through it but perhaps now I'm made of solid muscle which weighs more than fat I heard :)

Go!

It was hard graft on the day, I’d done all the separate bits but not together and I had never practised transitioning from one section to the next. It was also 27 degrees plus having had diarrhoea 5 days before made me dehydrate quickly on the day. In the end I did it in 1 hr 2 minutes 39 seconds and came 45th out of the 235 women entered which I was really happy with! I'm really glad I done it and might even sign up again next year! Now I will reward myself with a week of sitting on the sofa eating ice cream.

An only child?

(Follows on from 'Number 2?')

So potentially I could have an only child. This is considered, by some, as child abuse. Should I have another child even though it could reck and ravage my elderly frame with absolutely no ‘bounce’ back left and the hightened risks to the baby of conditions such as downs syndrome.  Then there's the practicalities like, we only have two bedrooms, a small house, not a lot of money left after the mortgage, bills and now nursery fees are paid. Is this all irrelevant in comparison to the need of Erin to have  a sibling? Would I be selfish not to provide this for her?

What if they just fight all the time and then don't get on as adults? I know a few only children who have really close relationships with their parents. Would I be hindering forging a close relationship with my daughter by spreading myself too thin by caring for two? I'm enjoying her so much at this wonderful age. We are really happy would having another jeopodise this?

Not forgetting I really don't know how people do it! I still stare at people with 2 plus children in wonderment. If they have 3 plus my jaw drops open and I stop in my tracks - are their kids easier to deal with? Do they not need as much sleep as me? Are they the nanny? Am I just not a natural at this?

My sister has two children and I watch them playing together and it is so nice for them and with two would selfishly mean less work for me in regards to playing! But my nephews also fight a lot and wind each other up which is a lot of work too. I had a flash the other day of Erin standing at the top of the stairs on Christmas day, aged 10, on her own looking so sad which made my chest ache.

Am I being totally self indulgent with this dilemma, maybe I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again? I’m 35 my fertility is probably in a speedy decline.