Returning to work after maternity leave

After a whopping 14 months off on maternity leave it was time to return to work. My life had changed unrecognisable over the last year - my priorities, my outlook, what I considered important and what I didn’t. I was more focused on settling Erin into nursery than worrying too much about it. Before I left work was OK. I never loved it, but never hated it either. It was a pretty good job with many perks such as flexible working hours and working from home days, although I still thoroughly enjoyed my days off and weekends. I was very excited about the prospect of not going there for 14 months when I was pregnant. 14 months felt like so long and this having a baby malarkey seemed such a massive, all consuming deal I wondered if I’d ever go back. After all it seemed that the world continued to turn, time ticked over and it was time to go back. No I hadn’t won the lotto or any day time TV competitions in order not to.

Dolly Parton in working 9 - 5

I would see people that I hadn’t seen for a while so wanted to look good. What you want is – "welcome back", but more importantly, “you look great!”. It's like seeing anyone you haven’t seen for a while, you don’t want them to think, "fucking hell what has happened to Janet’’. This involved buying some good under eye cream and doing a few exercise classes.

I had been mostly in a totally different social environment for over a year, where you can launch into conversations at baby play groups with total strangers about poohs and sore nipples. Getting used to the old social acceptabilities of a professional working environment again took some concentration - not announcing to my colleagues that I am going for a pooh or that Erin has been constipated for 3 days or adjusting my bra at my desk. The sound track to my life was now wind the bobbin up and sleeping bunnies so these were regularly on repeat in my head during team meetings or important phone calls.

Even though I had got used to the amount of time it now took to leave the house, it still took some adapting to the military style organisation required in the mornings to a tighter time scale getting myself and Erin ready and over to nursery and then myself over to work. 

Another initial difficulty was getting used to doing a full day in the office again. On occasions in the afternoons if I was tired and had lost the concentration needed to be really productive I would think I should probably just go. It was really odd to get used to the fact that I had to stay until the end of the day even if I didn’t feel like it.

Things I never appreciated about work until after maternity leave: 

• going to the toilet on my own
• eating when I was hungry
• using my brain
• drinking numerous hot drinks at my leisure - some in the form of fancy takeaway ones - what decadence it is to be in the working (civilised) world again! 
• LUNCH BREAKS! Time to browse shops, have a nice lunch out, go to the gym or perhaps look at the internet - in the middle of the day! 
• listening to music or the radio while working
• sitting down for long periods of time
• having adult conversations not about sleep, weaning, milk, teething, poohing, crawling, walking, talking

Read more....

The 10 stages of tiredness
Read a letter I wrote to my daughter
Managing my post baby holiday expectations
Expect the unexpected when expecting
On my experience of Baby Brain
Having a big baby 
My top 5 parenting fails during the first year
What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
How I'm turning into my parents
My post pregnancy identity crisis

London Life with Baby

Life in (the generally hostile) London changed for me once I had Erin. Actually it started once I began to show during pregnancy. My favourite change was it gave me a free pass to talk to strangers without them thinking that I was a) crazy, b) hitting on them, or c) about to rob them. I was always comfortable striking up conversations at bars (not like that), bus stops, changing rooms, trains, wherever really but once I was pregnant/with baby the overall response was much more positive and less suspicious. I guess this is what old ladies feel like as everyone is nice to them too. Maybe people now consider you a ‘low risk’ member of society. There is so much more love around, people offering you their seats on the tube when pregnant or a helping hand with getting your buggy off the bus with your baby. Its also easy for people to strike up conversations with you too, asking questions like, when are you due? how old is she? oooo she is so cute! Lots of people have children in their life and can relate to you. People just smiling at you when you access a soft play area or they too have a child around the same age - I now have a special two year old shaped pass to a far friendlier world.

I just got home from a weekend in Hampshire where I had to get the tube from Walthamstow to Waterloo then the train to Winchester. On the tube in rush hour we had a few smiles from fellow passengers and had two lovely chats to two different women instigated by having Erin sat on my knee.  Two more waves and smiles from two different tube drivers. More waves and smiles from the signalling staff at Waterloo station who saw us off on the train. A chat with two more people on the train itself instigated by Erin asking who they were and what they were doing.

Another major bonus of having a child is the numerous opportunities to be childish with no one judging you! The only people who truly don’t give a shit of what other people think of them are children and old people. Erin recently dragged me to my feet in a trendy coffee shop as she wanted to dance to the music that was playing, and I thought, why not! Its not everyday I get a chance to do this! Singing nursery rhymes walking along the road, playing peek a boo, chasing each other, stuff that is really fun but just doesn’t wash with your friends is brilliant.

Another change neither good nor bad which is handy sometimes, and absolutely nothing to do with living in London, is how I can now communicate with my boyfriend via Erin, for example when trying to deflect Erin’s attentions away from me in order to steel a few moments of peace - ‘’Daddy will get you a bread stick if your hungry Erin’’. Or to have convey my annoyance with him while avoiding direct confrontation -  ‘’No you can’t have your rabbit teddy Erin as daddy left it at Grandma’s house’’.

On the downside, and not necessarily just London centric, but I don’t have anything to compare it to, was that some health care professionals I would come across during the numerous first year medical checks and appointments would talk to me like I was slightly retarded. Being seen as off work and caring for a new baby full time instead of being seen in a working world as a professional I was then viewed as just a mother and for some this seemed to be considered to go hand in hand with being stupid.

Another downer is trying to get a parking space somewhere near my house on a packed permit free road less than 10 minutes from a tube station - especially important when you have a screaming baby in the car that you can’t tend to until you park - leading to fantasies of private driveways and garages of the suburbs, wouldn't that be amazing!

The End 

(Sorry about this but I have been sitting on this one for ages and couldn’t think of a tidy ending! Couldn’t think of a snappy title either - oh well its the middle that counts)

Finding motherhood a struggle at times

I said to a friend the other day that my rest days are going to work and she said she felt the same but had never felt comfortable saying it to anyone. We didn’t get into the reasons why as we were having the usual broken conversation jugging keeping our toddlers in check plus feeding them and ourselves.

It started me thinking that its a real shame how women don’t feel they can be honest about finding it hard and that they have struggled at times. I definitely found it harder than I anticipated and have been pushed to my absolute limits.

I think there are probably two reasons why most people, including myself, don’t want to say, firstly is the worry that complaining about motherhood might be interpreted by some as meaning that you don’t appreciate it, value it or perhaps even regret having your child. Of course you would hate someone to think that as its totally untrue and you love them to bits.

The other for me is the fear of being judged - to be thought of as a bad mother. That the other person you confide in finds it much easier to deal with their child than you and won’t have a clue what your talking about but just think you must be rubbish. Maybe some babies are more difficult than others, maybe some people do struggle more, but no one is doing a better job than anyone else. No ones choices on how they rear their child are better, there is no right or wrong, no one loves their child more or less than others. There should be no measure or comparison or judgement only support and sympathy.

One day when my boyfriend returned from work after Erin had been especially grizzly that day I popped to the shop to get loo roll and to get some fresh air. I was surprised to find as I walked along the road and the sound of crying faded away that the world was still turning. After leaving the shop to return home, I walked past the pub and suddenly found myself at the bar ordering a pint. I sat quietly watching the buses and people go by, a group chatting in the corner, still revelling in how normal the rest of the world still was. I text my boyfriend a picture of pint and said I’d be home in half an hour. Half an hour later I returned refreshed and revived. Just taking a step away sometimes is all that I needed to regroup.

The key factor for me on how well I cope is tiredness, its hard to cope with stressful situations (a baby crying for hours with colic) or be rational at times when your bloody knackered. Sometimes I’ll be pushing the buggy along and just have an overwhelming urge to just lye on the ground and image just lying there, invisible with people just walking past me - what does this mean? You can’t just sit on the sofa and have a little rest when you feel like it with a child, you have to keep going.

Having a baby is so all consuming, there is little to no ‘downtime’ which was one of my pre baby favourite things! Staring out of windows of a pub or coffee shop at the passing world, reading, watching tv, waking up at 11am etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Child rearing for me took some acclimatising to and I find it hard some days- does this mean I love my child less than someone who breezes through motherhood (is anyone who breezes through out there?) - no of course not.

I think its half self inflicted for me as I think that people will think badly of me and not understand, but maybe if I opened up they wouldn’t judge me but show me sympathy and support not bounce home revelling in the knowledge they are doing so much better than me at this motherhood malarky.

I wish I had piped up about this sooner, when I was on maternity leave. I should have put myself out there more really, but my confidence was at a low and I struggled through, it seems easier to say now. And I think the reason I have had the confidence is to know there is someone out there who feels the same as me. And i hope that writing this might help others know that too.

The 10 stages of tiredness

I really like my sleep, I know most people do. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say, “I do not like my sleep, I prefer to sleep as little as possible.” I’m pretty sure I need around 9 hours a night to be firing on all cylinders - turbo charge. And at least 8 - 8.5 to be firing on 80% of cylinders. Christ knows how Margaret Thatcher did it is all I can say. Having Erin has introduced me to the several new stages on my tiredness spectrum. Here they are:

1. Fogginess, kind of like moving in slow motion through thick clouds. Being asleep yet with your eyes open and making breakfast.
2. Not being able to concentrate on anything for more than 3 seconds such as, walking away from cooking food to put washing out and totally forgetting about food until you can smell burning or asking someone a question and listening to them answer it having forgotten what you’d asked them.
3. Not being able to retain thoughts for more than 3 seconds, for example, walking into a room purposefully and having no idea why your there.
4. Irrational irritability with fellow pedestrians that just happen to be in your way, or someone that is hogging the swings at the park.
5. Edginess - jumping at noises that are a normal part of your daily life, like the kettle boiling, or the washing machine beeping when it finishes its cycle.
6. Crying at adverts, the news, soap operas.
7. Finding an alternative (negative) meaning for everything some one says.
8. Finding everything some one says incredible annoying.
9. Seeing things moving out the corners of your eyes that aren’t actually moving.
10. Crying but not knowing why.

6.30am flight to Minorca. Around stage 5.

Inspired by Hurrahforgin's post - Seven Stages of Sleep Deprivation. 

My top newborn tips

• If you run out of breast pads, a cut up sanitary pad works just as well until you can get to the shop.

• Do NOT let your baby fall asleep on you after feeding before checking the remote is in arms reach - you could be stuck watching Top Gear or Doctors.

• Slings seem such a great idea right? No one wants to become one of those annoying mums with a buggy who gets in the way at the shops and on the bus, but carrying a baby weighing over 10/11 lbs further than a couple of hundred metres from your house is quite hard work on the back and shoulders especially as your core may be shot to shit from labour. If you then hit the shops, you could have a baby on the front, nappy change bag on the back, a shopping back in each hand, then the baby cries and you have to get her out, shopping bags onto the floor, then it starts raining and you have to hold an umbrella! OK that’s a worse case scenario. Slings are no doubt handy at times, but if your like me you may not use it as much as you planned too or for as long as you thought. 

• Buy a raincoat with a substantial hood - its much easier steering a buggy with two rather than one hand if the other is tied up holding an umbrella.

• Having a globe night light in Erin's room enabled me to learn all the countries of the world during night feeds, utilise this time! This could be the perfect opportunity to learn another language like you always said you would – the cup is half full – yeah!

Erin learning the countries too

• Enjoy the first 4/5 months of still being able to do all the things you used to do, go for lunch, shopping, cinema, coffee shops, watch films and tv while your baby needs little entertainment. Soon your life will become a blur of singalongs, weaning, play dates and nap schedules.

• I downloaded a kindle app onto my i pad which was incredibly handy to read on while breast feeding, as you only need one hand – you will be doing this A LOT so at least you can read (check Facebook) at the same time.

Some of my favourite posts...

• Read a letter I wrote to my daughter
• Managing my post baby holiday expectations
• Expect the unexpected when expecting
• On my experience of Baby Brain
• Having another child
• Having a big baby 
• My top 5 parenting fails during the first year
• What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
• How I'm turning into my parents
• My post pregnancy identity crisis

My post pregnancy identity crisis

Before I had Erin I used to shop and dress myself with relative ease, since having Erin I seem to have ended up buying a series of items that, having worn a couple of times, just don't feel right then disappear to the back of the wardrobe. I thought this was just a couple of unfortunate baby brain related purchases but after 20 months of this happening I’ve figured out a number of possible reasons...

1. Different body shape.

What I didn’t realise in the last few weeks of pregnancy and planning my baby weight lost/getting my body back action plan (while eating a tub of ice cream) was that it was more about my shape changing than the number on the scales. When Erin was about 6 months I felt something touching the top of my leg before realising it was my arse – 10 months of not cycling to work had taken its toll.

I've pretty much been straight up and down my whole life and had mastered how to dress that shape and knew what I liked and what looked good after 33 years practice, now things were different!

What I didn't factor into my baby weight loss plan was the fact that I would be caring for a new born baby at the time I had planned to loose said weight which meant I would need to energise myself with coffee, cake, chocolate and biscuits at regular intervals in order to get through the day.  Now 20 months on and a triathlon down I still would like to loose about half a stone, I know who doesn’t, with or without a baby.

Fuel

2. Old age.

For me the post baby clothing struggle has coincided with edging towards middle age. I feel older and at a different stage in my life now.  Where should I be shopping at 35?  Top Shop and Primark still? I think the high street presumes by 35 I should be able to afford to shop at Cos and Boden but I have less money now than I did when I was 25.

Part of the problem could be I'm still choosing the style of clothes I've always gone for but sometimes I feel I look like an older person trying to dress younger (cringe). Also because of my age I can't get away with certain looks any more, for example, instead of granny chic mid length skirts with brogues looking cool on me I just look like a granny.

3. Less money/less time

As well as less money, I have much less time to dedicate to shopping, less time to read fashion mags, less time going out seeing what others are wearing. Less time to even think about coordinating an outfit. With a baby the morning routine consisted of picking some jeans off the floor scrapping some kind of dried baby related substance off them, choosing from 2 tops that I could breast feed in, tying hair back before leaving the house. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in a toilet or baby change room later that day and think - holly crap I should of put some mascara on.

4. I need to feel good about my body again.

Since having Erin my self esteem took a bit of a nose dive, regularly thinking god I look fat/tired/old. I needed to start feeling good about my  body after the pummelling of pregnancy, labour and caring for a new born. Feeling tired and run down doesn't make you feel good and was reflected in myself esteem. Nothing is going to look good if I wasn't feeling good. I am clawing that back, getting my fitness back doing the triathlon really helped me feel good but I still struggle to dress myself at times!

Any volunteer personnel shoppers out there please get in touch!

Read more...

• On my experience of Baby Brain
• Having another child
• Having a big baby 
• My top 5 parenting fails
• What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
• Managing my post baby holiday expectations.
• How I'm turning into my parents
• When I trained for a triathlon!
• A letter I wrote to my daughter

BC (before child) / AC (after child)

Things I used to day dream about BC:

• Jake Gyllenhal
• travelling the world
• new shoes
• various exciting career paths
• starting my own business 
• playing drums in a band
• winning the lottery

Things I now day dream about AC:

• getting a dishwasher (wouldn’t that be amazing!) 
• getting a cleaner (wouldn’t that be amazing!)
• having a nanny (wouldn’t that be amazing!) 
• waking up at 10am
• spa days
• having a personal shopper
• winning the lottery

How do your BC/AC day dreams differ?

6 times in 1 day! That is my washing up record since having Erin and being around the house much more - resulting in my dishwasher day dreams!