After 12 years of observing twatish behaviour in London, I've drawn up this quick 11 point guide for any aspiring twat out there in the city...
- Pretend not to see anyone elderly, pregnant or less able to stand on public transport, so you don’t have to give up your seat.
- Read your newspaper on the tube taking up a proportion of both seats to either side of yours with your elbows - your need for space is greater than theirs.
- Do not give an inch to a fellow pedestrian passing on the pavement - they should get out of your way (even if this means shoulder barging them).
- Don’t wear a helmet, but do wear headphones while you ride your bike in the middle of the road so cars can’t pass you.
- Don’t signal when driving or riding a bike - why the fuck should you.
- Don’t hold the door open for anyone behind you, its not like your ever going to see them again.
- Listen to your music really loud or even better - out of your phone without headphones and preferably on public transport, but any confined space will do.
- Don’t tell the barmaid that the man next to you was actually first and that they should serve them before you.
- Do not say thank you if anyone offers you their seat, holds a door open for you or tells the barmaid that you were there first.
- If anyone smiles at you give them the death stare back - you’ve had a shit day. Hell, even if they don’t smile, give them the death stare anyway.
- Walk across the road really slowly, the cars coming will just have to wait, do they not know who you are?
 |
| www.thepoke.co.uk |
