Saturday 26 September 2015

A letter to my one year old daughter

Dear Erin,

I barely noticed you when you arrived I was so relieved for it to be over, you see it was all about me then but now it's all about you. All I had read were pregnancy and labour books so once we got you home it was a steep learning curve.

Not being especially maternal I didn’t fall for you until you were about 5 months old but now you've got me hook, line and sinker. When I think of you I instantly feel calm and happy, sometimes I miss you even when your just upstairs sleeping.

I think about life before you sometimes, how easy and carefree it was, weekends spent lolling around hungover in coffee shops and restaurants – that was my life for so long and I miss it at times.

I mustn't lie, I've found the changes in my life very hard, I've felt lonely and really struggled at times with how hard parenting is, especially in the first year. My mind would have flashes of getting on a train to anywhere, disappearing and booking myself into a central London Premier Inn for a couple of nights to sit in a dressing gown and watch TV while eating peanut m&ms in between sleeping. Instead, the one escape every day was to the shower for 10 minutes or so where I could briefly close the door behind me and only hear the soothing sound of the water. Everyone said ‘it does get easier’ and it did, or did I just get used to my new life.

Its been magical watching you grow and learn, seeing the wonder in your eyes as you explore the world.  You continue to astound and amaze me.  I can't imagine having another baby and loving them as much as I love you, I feel like I would burst.

I hope you think I am a good mum when you are older, I hope you can turn to me, confide in me, that we are close. That we are the kind of mum and daughter who talk everyday. I hope I’m wise enough to guide you, worldly enough to inspire you, I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you.

You are the sun rising, the world turning, the stars in my sky.

All my love forever and always, Mummy xxx

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Sunday 20 September 2015

My post pregnancy identity crisis

Before I had Erin I used to shop and dress myself with relative ease, since having Erin I seem to have ended up buying a series of items that, having worn a couple of times, just don't feel right then disappear to the back of the wardrobe. I thought this was just a couple of unfortunate baby brain related purchases but after 20 months of this happening I’ve figured out a number of possible reasons...



1. Different body shape.

What I didn’t realise in the last few weeks of pregnancy and planning my baby weight lost/getting my body back action plan (while eating a tub of ice cream) was that it was more about my shape changing than the number on the scales. When Erin was about 6 months I felt something touching the top of my leg before realising it was my arse – 10 months of not cycling to work had taken its toll.

I've pretty much been straight up and down my whole life and had mastered how to dress that shape and knew what I liked and what looked good after 33 years practice, now things were different!

What I didn't factor into my baby weight loss plan was the fact that I would be caring for a new born baby at the time I had planned to loose said weight which meant I would need to energise myself with coffee, cake, chocolate and biscuits at regular intervals in order to get through the day.  Now 20 months on and a triathlon down I still would like to loose about half a stone, I know who doesn’t, with or without a baby.

Fuel

2. Old age.

For me the post baby clothing struggle has coincided with edging towards middle age. I feel older and at a different stage in my life now.  Where should I be shopping at 35?  Top Shop and Primark still? I think the high street presumes by 35 I should be able to afford to shop at Cos and Boden but I have less money now than I did when I was 25.

Part of the problem could be I'm still choosing the style of clothes I've always gone for but sometimes I feel I look like an older person trying to dress younger (cringe). Also because of my age I can't get away with certain looks any more, for example, instead of granny chic mid length skirts with brogues looking cool on me I just look like a granny.

3. Less money/less time

As well as less money, I have much less time to dedicate to shopping, less time to read fashion mags, less time going out seeing what others are wearing. Less time to even think about coordinating an outfit. With a baby the morning routine consisted of picking some jeans off the floor scrapping some kind of dried baby related substance off them, choosing from 2 tops that I could breast feed in, tying hair back before leaving the house. Sometimes I would catch a glimpse of myself in a toilet or baby change room later that day and think - holly crap I should of put some mascara on.

4. I need to feel good about my body again.

Since having Erin my self esteem took a bit of a nose dive, regularly thinking god I look fat/tired/old. I needed to start feeling good about my  body after the pummelling of pregnancy, labour and caring for a new born. Feeling tired and run down doesn't make you feel good and was reflected in myself esteem. Nothing is going to look good if I wasn't feeling good. I am clawing that back, getting my fitness back doing the triathlon really helped me feel good but I still struggle to dress myself at times!

Any volunteer personnel shoppers out there please get in touch!
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Saturday 5 September 2015

Turning into our parents

This happens gradually and sometimes unknowingly, but for me the process was accelerated by having my daughter. I knew this was happening to me when:
  • The high point of any day was going out for coffee and cake.
  • I had to turn the radio off when I parked the car, there was heavy rain or it was busy on the motorway.
  • I struggled to keep up with technology, for example, I had accidentally turned on the torch on my i phone and had it on for 2 hours before the doctor at my appointment later that morning told me how to turn it off.
  • I forgot the name of the Foo Fighters and referred to them as David Grohl’s band. 
  • I started buying pot plants.
  • I enjoyed watching the Antiques Road Show.
  • Occasionally, it may take me 5-10 minutes to remember how old I am.
My parents - out for coffee and cake

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