London Life with Baby

Life in (the generally hostile) London changed for me once I had Erin. Actually it started once I began to show during pregnancy. My favourite change was it gave me a free pass to talk to strangers without them thinking that I was a) crazy, b) hitting on them, or c) about to rob them. I was always comfortable striking up conversations at bars (not like that), bus stops, changing rooms, trains, wherever really but once I was pregnant/with baby the overall response was much more positive and less suspicious. I guess this is what old ladies feel like as everyone is nice to them too. Maybe people now consider you a ‘low risk’ member of society. There is so much more love around, people offering you their seats on the tube when pregnant or a helping hand with getting your buggy off the bus with your baby. Its also easy for people to strike up conversations with you too, asking questions like, when are you due? how old is she? oooo she is so cute! Lots of people have children in their life and can relate to you. People just smiling at you when you access a soft play area or they too have a child around the same age - I now have a special two year old shaped pass to a far friendlier world.

I just got home from a weekend in Hampshire where I had to get the tube from Walthamstow to Waterloo then the train to Winchester. On the tube in rush hour we had a few smiles from fellow passengers and had two lovely chats to two different women instigated by having Erin sat on my knee.  Two more waves and smiles from two different tube drivers. More waves and smiles from the signalling staff at Waterloo station who saw us off on the train. A chat with two more people on the train itself instigated by Erin asking who they were and what they were doing.

Another major bonus of having a child is the numerous opportunities to be childish with no one judging you! The only people who truly don’t give a shit of what other people think of them are children and old people. Erin recently dragged me to my feet in a trendy coffee shop as she wanted to dance to the music that was playing, and I thought, why not! Its not everyday I get a chance to do this! Singing nursery rhymes walking along the road, playing peek a boo, chasing each other, stuff that is really fun but just doesn’t wash with your friends is brilliant.

Another change neither good nor bad which is handy sometimes, and absolutely nothing to do with living in London, is how I can now communicate with my boyfriend via Erin, for example when trying to deflect Erin’s attentions away from me in order to steel a few moments of peace - ‘’Daddy will get you a bread stick if your hungry Erin’’. Or to have convey my annoyance with him while avoiding direct confrontation -  ‘’No you can’t have your rabbit teddy Erin as daddy left it at Grandma’s house’’.

On the downside, and not necessarily just London centric, but I don’t have anything to compare it to, was that some health care professionals I would come across during the numerous first year medical checks and appointments would talk to me like I was slightly retarded. Being seen as off work and caring for a new baby full time instead of being seen in a working world as a professional I was then viewed as just a mother and for some this seemed to be considered to go hand in hand with being stupid.

Another downer is trying to get a parking space somewhere near my house on a packed permit free road less than 10 minutes from a tube station - especially important when you have a screaming baby in the car that you can’t tend to until you park - leading to fantasies of private driveways and garages of the suburbs, wouldn't that be amazing!

The End 

(Sorry about this but I have been sitting on this one for ages and couldn’t think of a tidy ending! Couldn’t think of a snappy title either - oh well its the middle that counts)

Finding motherhood a struggle at times

I said to a friend the other day that my rest days are going to work and she said she felt the same but had never felt comfortable saying it to anyone. We didn’t get into the reasons why as we were having the usual broken conversation jugging keeping our toddlers in check plus feeding them and ourselves.

It started me thinking that its a real shame how women don’t feel they can be honest about finding it hard and that they have struggled at times. I definitely found it harder than I anticipated and have been pushed to my absolute limits.

I think there are probably two reasons why most people, including myself, don’t want to say, firstly is the worry that complaining about motherhood might be interpreted by some as meaning that you don’t appreciate it, value it or perhaps even regret having your child. Of course you would hate someone to think that as its totally untrue and you love them to bits.

The other for me is the fear of being judged - to be thought of as a bad mother. That the other person you confide in finds it much easier to deal with their child than you and won’t have a clue what your talking about but just think you must be rubbish. Maybe some babies are more difficult than others, maybe some people do struggle more, but no one is doing a better job than anyone else. No ones choices on how they rear their child are better, there is no right or wrong, no one loves their child more or less than others. There should be no measure or comparison or judgement only support and sympathy.

One day when my boyfriend returned from work after Erin had been especially grizzly that day I popped to the shop to get loo roll and to get some fresh air. I was surprised to find as I walked along the road and the sound of crying faded away that the world was still turning. After leaving the shop to return home, I walked past the pub and suddenly found myself at the bar ordering a pint. I sat quietly watching the buses and people go by, a group chatting in the corner, still revelling in how normal the rest of the world still was. I text my boyfriend a picture of pint and said I’d be home in half an hour. Half an hour later I returned refreshed and revived. Just taking a step away sometimes is all that I needed to regroup.

The key factor for me on how well I cope is tiredness, its hard to cope with stressful situations (a baby crying for hours with colic) or be rational at times when your bloody knackered. Sometimes I’ll be pushing the buggy along and just have an overwhelming urge to just lye on the ground and image just lying there, invisible with people just walking past me - what does this mean? You can’t just sit on the sofa and have a little rest when you feel like it with a child, you have to keep going.

Having a baby is so all consuming, there is little to no ‘downtime’ which was one of my pre baby favourite things! Staring out of windows of a pub or coffee shop at the passing world, reading, watching tv, waking up at 11am etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Child rearing for me took some acclimatising to and I find it hard some days- does this mean I love my child less than someone who breezes through motherhood (is anyone who breezes through out there?) - no of course not.

I think its half self inflicted for me as I think that people will think badly of me and not understand, but maybe if I opened up they wouldn’t judge me but show me sympathy and support not bounce home revelling in the knowledge they are doing so much better than me at this motherhood malarky.

I wish I had piped up about this sooner, when I was on maternity leave. I should have put myself out there more really, but my confidence was at a low and I struggled through, it seems easier to say now. And I think the reason I have had the confidence is to know there is someone out there who feels the same as me. And i hope that writing this might help others know that too.

The 10 stages of tiredness

I really like my sleep, I know most people do. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say, “I do not like my sleep, I prefer to sleep as little as possible.” I’m pretty sure I need around 9 hours a night to be firing on all cylinders - turbo charge. And at least 8 - 8.5 to be firing on 80% of cylinders. Christ knows how Margaret Thatcher did it is all I can say. Having Erin has introduced me to the several new stages on my tiredness spectrum. Here they are:

1. Fogginess, kind of like moving in slow motion through thick clouds. Being asleep yet with your eyes open and making breakfast.
2. Not being able to concentrate on anything for more than 3 seconds such as, walking away from cooking food to put washing out and totally forgetting about food until you can smell burning or asking someone a question and listening to them answer it having forgotten what you’d asked them.
3. Not being able to retain thoughts for more than 3 seconds, for example, walking into a room purposefully and having no idea why your there.
4. Irrational irritability with fellow pedestrians that just happen to be in your way, or someone that is hogging the swings at the park.
5. Edginess - jumping at noises that are a normal part of your daily life, like the kettle boiling, or the washing machine beeping when it finishes its cycle.
6. Crying at adverts, the news, soap operas.
7. Finding an alternative (negative) meaning for everything some one says.
8. Finding everything some one says incredible annoying.
9. Seeing things moving out the corners of your eyes that aren’t actually moving.
10. Crying but not knowing why.

6.30am flight to Minorca. Around stage 5.

Inspired by Hurrahforgin's post - Seven Stages of Sleep Deprivation. 

What no one tells you - Part One: Worry

I wasn’t much of a worrier before I had Erin then after a pretty laid back first few months of Erin’s life the worry gradually crept in.

My boyfriend and I had muddled through together during his paternity leave but once he returned to work I had slowly become number one decision maker and carer of this tiny person the majority of the time. Having debates in my head on a daily basis about whether I was making the right decisions and worrying that I had not usually over seemingly small things - socks or no socks? long sleeves or short sleeves? and that was before I had even started getting Erin dressed. Am I doing all the things I should be doing with her for her age? If I don’t sign her up for this music and movement class will I permanent stunt her developmental growth!? Should I leave now, but if she falls asleep in the buggy its too early for her nap and it will screw up the whole day and nights sleep but if I don’t leave now I’ll be late!?

When she was a few months old we arranged for a family member to baby sit for us one Saturday afternoon so we could go for a meal and to the theatre in town. I excitedly expressed all week in preparation. As we walked to the tube it felt slightly wrong and I didn’t really feel excited anymore, just worried. We had a nice dinner at Bodean’s restaurant and then a couple of drinks at a bar in soho, this is when we should have probably gone home but we had theatre tickets booked. I sat watching the show, feeling my boobs throbbing just counting down the minutes until it had finished. I considered asking my boyfriend if we could go but I didn’t want to ruin the afternoon.

The worrying for me has definitely got less consuming as she has got older. And many successful nights out and even an Erin free (and worry free) holiday followed. There have also been phases or worry which have past as Erin has grown such as - is she eating too much? the right things? what if she chokes! during the weaning phase but my two main reoccurring worries that have remained fairly consistent since she was born are:

1. The - is she too hot or is she too cold - circle of worry

A constant worry whatever the weather. As winter set in last year I sat on the sofa in the evening, turned to my boyfriend and asked ‘“should I put a blanket on Erin, do you think she might be cold?” He replied: ‘’Nooo, she’s fine” turning back to the tv and obviously not giving it any more thought. After a minute or two more thought on my part - She has a fleece pyjama top on, but thinner pyjama bottoms and a grow bag, so her feet may be a little chilly - I went up stairs, sneaked into the room and put a blanket over her lower half. Yes thats better. Return to sofa. Think to myself - but what if she gets too hot with the blanket over her? - return to bed room to remove blanket. Return to sofa. Keeping thinking about it - actually it is very chilly tonight I don’t want her to get cold feet. Go back upstairs to return blanket. Return to sofa. Think Umm the heating control thingy that is set to keep the temperature at 18.5 degrees is on the top of the chest of drawers on the opposite side of her room, her cot is also quite low, so it will be colder there - return to room to put heating controller under her cot on the floor. Return to sofa. Think - What if the heating control gives out carcinogenic signals similar to mobile phones - its right under Erin’s head! Return to room to return heating control to top of chest of drawers. Return to sofa.

2. The - getting them to sleep/please don’t wake up/should I wake them up now - roller coaster of napping:

Erin was was a pretty good sleeper when she was born, as far as babies go, gradually building up her sleep per night and not needing as many feeds as the first 4 months past. The ‘week by week’ book I had brought on bringing Erin home from the hospital revealed in manageable weekly chunks that she was on track without me doing anything at all. Then the 4 month sleep regression hit, and by 6 months old when ever she was placed in her cot at bedtime already asleep she would wake up so we were forced into sleep training her. This involved me pacing the garden so as not to listen to the crying while my boyfriend checked on her - coming to tell me when she was asleep and it was safe to re-enter the house. This process worked really well for us and had the added bonus of when Erin got to sleep on her own would sleep for much longer too.

Nap time

I decided this was also the time to get into a nap routine. The napping schedule was a daily roller coaster of firstly getting her to sleep at the right time, and once asleep keeping an eye on the time (come on you can get at least an hour), please postman, bin men don’t come now, why is that man sawing in his back garden now the selfish bastard! Then, christ its been an hour and a half, should I wake her up? One nap a day since she was one was much more manageable and consistent and I have got used to our days revolving around this time which is an enjoyable break for both of us! Please never end…

Even if someone had told me about the worrying you do when you have children, I don’t think I would have really got it until I’d lived it.

Read some of my favourite posts... 

Read a letter I wrote to my daughter
Managing my post baby holiday expectations
Expect the unexpected when expecting
On my experience of Baby Brain
Having a big baby
My top 5 parenting fails during the first year
What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
How I'm turning into my parents
My post pregnancy identity crisis

My top newborn tips

• If you run out of breast pads, a cut up sanitary pad works just as well until you can get to the shop.

• Do NOT let your baby fall asleep on you after feeding before checking the remote is in arms reach - you could be stuck watching Top Gear or Doctors.

• Slings seem such a great idea right? No one wants to become one of those annoying mums with a buggy who gets in the way at the shops and on the bus, but carrying a baby weighing over 10/11 lbs further than a couple of hundred metres from your house is quite hard work on the back and shoulders especially as your core may be shot to shit from labour. If you then hit the shops, you could have a baby on the front, nappy change bag on the back, a shopping back in each hand, then the baby cries and you have to get her out, shopping bags onto the floor, then it starts raining and you have to hold an umbrella! OK that’s a worse case scenario. Slings are no doubt handy at times, but if your like me you may not use it as much as you planned too or for as long as you thought. 

• Buy a raincoat with a substantial hood - its much easier steering a buggy with two rather than one hand if the other is tied up holding an umbrella.

• Having a globe night light in Erin's room enabled me to learn all the countries of the world during night feeds, utilise this time! This could be the perfect opportunity to learn another language like you always said you would – the cup is half full – yeah!

Erin learning the countries too

• Enjoy the first 4/5 months of still being able to do all the things you used to do, go for lunch, shopping, cinema, coffee shops, watch films and tv while your baby needs little entertainment. Soon your life will become a blur of singalongs, weaning, play dates and nap schedules.

• I downloaded a kindle app onto my i pad which was incredibly handy to read on while breast feeding, as you only need one hand – you will be doing this A LOT so at least you can read (check Facebook) at the same time.

Some of my favourite posts...

• Read a letter I wrote to my daughter
• Managing my post baby holiday expectations
• Expect the unexpected when expecting
• On my experience of Baby Brain
• Having another child
• Having a big baby 
• My top 5 parenting fails during the first year
• What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
• How I'm turning into my parents
• My post pregnancy identity crisis

A few of my favourite things

I have to remind myself sometimes of how lucky I am, have a little chat with myself when I’m down in the dumps for no good reason (although possibly induced by tiredness, hormones or a dark, drizzly day).

I have a good job with nice colleagues, good friends, a good income, I'm in good health and have a loving family, some of these would more accurately be in the ‘great’ category - what more do you want Janet?

If I was working two jobs to make ends meet living in substandard accommodation independently supporting three kids I wouldn’t be stressing about these stupid little things, I would have far better things to worry about. It’s a luxury to stress out about the small stuff. So count your blessings Janet.

At these times instead of focusing on what brings me down I try to focus on what picks me up and to appreciate life’s simply pleasures. In the words of Maria Von Trapp -  I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel sooooo baaaAADDD! They include...

• Watching people run for the bus – people suddenly sprinting along the road, juggling bags of shopping, cups of coffee, wearing inappropriate footwear, dodging their fellow pedestrians while frantically waving their arms around all add to the hilarity. The - will they - wont they -  make it element adds to the entertainment factor.  

• A sunny, cold, early morning ride to work – the freedom of riding, the winter sun low in the sky reflected on the river, frost sparkling over Walthamstow Marshes before going through Hackney as people start opening up their shops ready for their days trade.

• Making a meal using a new recipe and it turning out to be delicious.

• Chatting with my neighbours and feeling part of a community. We moved into our house two months before Erin was born so I was soon off work and around a lot. When you see a lot of your neighbours regularly you quickly build up great relationships and it really makes it feel like home.

• Coffee, coffee shops, the smell of coffee, a chat over a coffee. Ahhh coffee.

Maria after receiving a brown paper parcel tied up with string

• The kindness of strangers, for example, someone letting you get on the bus/tube first in the usual ‘every man for himself’ hustle and bustle of London.

• Watching the leaves burst in the spring and turn in the Autumn.

• Laughing until I cry with friends, family or at shows like Trigger Happy. 

• Chocolate cold from the fridge. Why does it taste so much better cold? Why does a cheese sandwich taste so much better with grated rather than sliced cheese? Why?

Read more...

• Read a letter I wrote to my daughter
• Managing my post baby holiday expectations
• Expect the unexpected when expecting
• On my experience of Baby Brain
• Having another child
• Having a big baby 
• My top 5 parenting fails during the first year
• What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
• How I'm turning into my parents
• When I trained for a triathlon!
• My post pregnancy identity crisis

Expect the unexpected when expecting

I think it's impossible to convey to someone who hasn't had a baby the enormity of the reality that is having a baby! Everyone's advice to me fell on deaf ears and I can see in people's eyes who don't have children a similar blankness when I comment on some aspects of motherhood.

Some of the advice given to me when I was pregnant included…

“Go on as many holidays and evenings out as you can now” (Wide eyes).
What I thought: Life will not change that much we are still going to go out and have holidays for christ sake.

“Oh all will change once the baby arrives”.
What I thought: What, how? I know they feed through the night but that's the only thing to worry about right.

“Rest and sleep as much as you can now!”
What I thought: Really, its only a tiny baby, what on earth is he on about.

“Don't worry about labour, it will be ok, you will get through it”.
What I thought: I'm not worried, but you saying this is making me worry. Shut up!

Looking back I think I thought that when I was no longer pregnant life would go back to how it was before. I remember googling places that sold chocolate Martini’s in London as my birthday was two months after Erin was due, thinking I'd be out for a big night as I would no longer be pregnant.  I hadn't given much thought to how labour intensive breast feeding could be so we ended up going for a pub lunch around the corner for a couple of hours on my birthday and Erin slept the whole time – a massive gift!

I remember being really excited about a year off work, and if someone had told me by the end of it, I would be looking forward to go back to work and I would then consider these my rest days, I would have laughed in their face. I went off on maternity leave - bye everyone see you back at the gym/pub in a few weeks. I remember chatting to another new mum on maternity leave about our expectations and she said that she thought she’d be reading lots of books – how we laughed.

There are something's you will never understand until you have a baby no matter what people tell you or how much you have been around your nieces, nephews or friends children. Because of this I have tried to manage my responses and advice that I give to those expecting, such as….

DTB (Dad to be): ‘’You know, we are not going to be those parents that stress out about our baby sleeping and making everyone be quiet, if there is some noise in the house or some one knocks the door and wakes him up, that’s fine, no big deal’’.

Me (truthful response): ‘’haaaaa haaa HAAAAA, I used to think the same but you will become obsessed with sleep – his and yours – you will probably cry if someone wakes him up after you've been trying to get him to sleep all morning after a sleepless night. I can’t wait to remind you that you said this in a years time!’’

Me (what I actually said): “Good plan.”

MTB (mum to be): “I’m not all worried about labour, I mean I know it will be painful but people do it every day so it can’t be that bad.’’

Me (the truthful response): ‘’That is what I thought! I was totally relaxed but I should have been terrified because it hurt like f**k, but I got through it after 12 hours on gas and air so you’ll be fine, it's only one day of your life.”

Me: (what I actually said): ‘’Exactly, every day.”.

MTB: ‘’I think I’ll be quite relaxed as a mum, I don’t know why my sister gets so stressed with her two, I think its how you handle it.’’

Me (truthful response): ‘’I used to think exactly the same but the truth is you will be tested to your limits with a new born, you will question ever thing you do and feel love and worry like never before which coupled with tiredness may at times turn you into a neurotic mess but don’t worry you’ll get
through it and you’ll be great and it will be wonderful.”

Me (what I actually said): "Totally."

Read more...

• Read a letter I wrote to my daughter
• On my experience of Baby Brain
• Having another child
• Having a big baby 
• My top 5 parenting fails
• What I used to fantasise about before I had a baby compared to what I fantasise about now
• How I'm turning into my parents
• When I trained for a triathlon!
• My post pregnancy identity crisis
• Managing my post baby holiday expectations