I said to a friend the other day that my rest days are going to work and she said she felt the same but had never felt comfortable saying it to anyone. We didn’t get into the reasons why as we were having the usual broken conversation jugging keeping our toddlers in check plus feeding them and ourselves.
It started me thinking that its a real shame how women don’t feel they can be honest about finding it hard and that they have struggled at times. I definitely found it harder than I anticipated and have been pushed to my absolute limits.
I think there are probably two reasons why most people, including myself, don’t want to say, firstly is the worry that complaining about motherhood might be interpreted by some as meaning that you don’t appreciate it, value it or perhaps even regret having your child. Of course you would hate someone to think that as its totally untrue and you love them to bits.
The other for me is the fear of being judged - to be thought of as a bad mother. That the other person you confide in finds it much easier to deal with their child than you and won’t have a clue what your talking about but just think you must be rubbish. Maybe some babies are more difficult than others, maybe some people do struggle more, but no one is doing a better job than anyone else. No ones choices on how they rear their child are better, there is no right or wrong, no one loves their child more or less than others. There should be no measure or comparison or judgement only support and sympathy.
One day when my boyfriend returned from work after Erin had been especially grizzly that day I popped to the shop to get loo roll and to get some fresh air. I was surprised to find as I walked along the road and the sound of crying faded away that the world was still turning. After leaving the shop to return home, I walked past the pub and suddenly found myself at the bar ordering a pint. I sat quietly watching the buses and people go by, a group chatting in the corner, still revelling in how normal the rest of the world still was. I text my boyfriend a picture of pint and said I’d be home in half an hour. Half an hour later I returned refreshed and revived. Just taking a step away sometimes is all that I needed to regroup.
The key factor for me on how well I cope is tiredness, its hard to cope with stressful situations (a baby crying for hours with colic) or be rational at times when your bloody knackered. Sometimes I’ll be pushing the buggy along and just have an overwhelming urge to just lye on the ground and image just lying there, invisible with people just walking past me - what does this mean? You can’t just sit on the sofa and have a little rest when you feel like it with a child, you have to keep going.
Having a baby is so all consuming, there is little to no ‘downtime’ which was one of my pre baby favourite things! Staring out of windows of a pub or coffee shop at the passing world, reading, watching tv, waking up at 11am etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Child rearing for me took some acclimatising to and I find it hard some days- does this mean I love my child less than someone who breezes through motherhood (is anyone who breezes through out there?) - no of course not.
I think its half self inflicted for me as I think that people will think badly of me and not understand, but maybe if I opened up they wouldn’t judge me but show me sympathy and support not bounce home revelling in the knowledge they are doing so much better than me at this motherhood malarky.
I wish I had piped up about this sooner, when I was on maternity leave. I should have put myself out there more really, but my confidence was at a low and I struggled through, it seems easier to say now. And I think the reason I have had the confidence is to know there is someone out there who feels the same as me. And i hope that writing this might help others know that too.
I think there are probably two reasons why most people, including myself, don’t want to say, firstly is the worry that complaining about motherhood might be interpreted by some as meaning that you don’t appreciate it, value it or perhaps even regret having your child. Of course you would hate someone to think that as its totally untrue and you love them to bits.
The other for me is the fear of being judged - to be thought of as a bad mother. That the other person you confide in finds it much easier to deal with their child than you and won’t have a clue what your talking about but just think you must be rubbish. Maybe some babies are more difficult than others, maybe some people do struggle more, but no one is doing a better job than anyone else. No ones choices on how they rear their child are better, there is no right or wrong, no one loves their child more or less than others. There should be no measure or comparison or judgement only support and sympathy.
One day when my boyfriend returned from work after Erin had been especially grizzly that day I popped to the shop to get loo roll and to get some fresh air. I was surprised to find as I walked along the road and the sound of crying faded away that the world was still turning. After leaving the shop to return home, I walked past the pub and suddenly found myself at the bar ordering a pint. I sat quietly watching the buses and people go by, a group chatting in the corner, still revelling in how normal the rest of the world still was. I text my boyfriend a picture of pint and said I’d be home in half an hour. Half an hour later I returned refreshed and revived. Just taking a step away sometimes is all that I needed to regroup.
The key factor for me on how well I cope is tiredness, its hard to cope with stressful situations (a baby crying for hours with colic) or be rational at times when your bloody knackered. Sometimes I’ll be pushing the buggy along and just have an overwhelming urge to just lye on the ground and image just lying there, invisible with people just walking past me - what does this mean? You can’t just sit on the sofa and have a little rest when you feel like it with a child, you have to keep going.
Having a baby is so all consuming, there is little to no ‘downtime’ which was one of my pre baby favourite things! Staring out of windows of a pub or coffee shop at the passing world, reading, watching tv, waking up at 11am etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. Child rearing for me took some acclimatising to and I find it hard some days- does this mean I love my child less than someone who breezes through motherhood (is anyone who breezes through out there?) - no of course not.
I think its half self inflicted for me as I think that people will think badly of me and not understand, but maybe if I opened up they wouldn’t judge me but show me sympathy and support not bounce home revelling in the knowledge they are doing so much better than me at this motherhood malarky.
I wish I had piped up about this sooner, when I was on maternity leave. I should have put myself out there more really, but my confidence was at a low and I struggled through, it seems easier to say now. And I think the reason I have had the confidence is to know there is someone out there who feels the same as me. And i hope that writing this might help others know that too.
